MOM:  Yeah, Dad’s a little weird.

ERIC:  Yes, he’s a little ugly too.

ERIC:  Do you know Madame from school?

MOM:  Yes.

ERIC:  She teached us French.

MOM:  She should teach you English.

DAD:  Why is baby Wren crying so much upstairs?

ERIC:  I think she smells the smell of milk.

ERIC:  Where does applesauce come from?

MOM:  Where do you think?

ERIC:  I don’t know.

MOM:  Well, it’s called APPLEsauce.

ERIC:  … A sauce bush?

MOM:  I used to sing in a choir.

ERIC:  How did you get out?

What do you think you just spelled?

JAMIE:  Where did you guys go?

AUNT JESS:  Brunch.

JAMIE:  It doesn’t seem like you should need four hours for brunch.

DAD:  Do you want another one?

MOM:  What? Another child?!?!

I only go on Facebook for targeted reasons, one of which is to kill time.

You NEVER let me get driftwood!

ERIC:  I wish we could do whatever we want.

DENISE:  Yeah but that’s not how the world works.

Our baby is doing mischief.

DAD:  Don’t roll your eyes at me.

ERIC:  I didn’t roll my eyes! I just moved them up like this!

MOM:  I don’t know what we’re going to do for dinner tonight.

DAD:  Well, there are two leftover burgers in there.

MOM:  I’d be happy with a bottle of… er, I mean a box of…

Mom, do bikings still live?

Do puppies come from eggs?

Why don’t you look in recycling and see if there’s anything that excites you?

ERIC:  I’m gonna come down in the middle of the night and snuggle my mom!!!

DAD:  You’d better not!

It’s not really smart but I think I can do it.

They’re perfect library footwear!

There’s gravity on this thing!

I’ve got a glitter problem over here!

ERIC:  [whispering] We’re going to make you a paper octopus for your birthday.

DAD:  Cool. Is it a surprise?

ERIC:  Yes.

ERIC:  [some time later] Dad – let’s keep the octopus to yourself. Mom wants it to be a surprise.

DAD:  OK.

ERIC:  [still later] The only reason I told you is because it’s a secret.

ERIC:  Do you think I’m not an expert on glitter?!?! Because I am!

GRANDMA:  Oh, I don’t doubt it.

ERIC:  Do people live on Jupiter?

MOM:  No.

ERIC:  Why?

MOM:  There’s too much gas going on there.

You think God’s a cow?

I do! I do! I do like TV!

I don’t trust your idea of this.

If you want to watch a movie then that’s a conversation we can have. But I don’t like being approached as if it’s a fait accompli.

Eric, can you prevent whatever is about to happen?

Greg is in his room doing science.

I ate too many eggs. I need to get out of here.

Don’t communicate with my mom.

Dad, don’t you remember all the good times we had?

I mean, I’m still going to drink it.

Tell Dad to stop eating all the cheese-balls.

I don’t know what that is, but I sure do love it!

You like me, but you don’t like my toots?

Well, then – I guess you’re just going to have to go to your wedding with edamame in your mouth.

I think I want mermaids and cupcakes.

I’m not mad but I’m puzzled.

GRANDMA:  Eric is smart.

DAD:  Well…

GRANDMA:  OK. “Smart-adjacent.”

No, Eric. We’re not finishing the chicken in the bathroom.

My belly needs to watch TV.

ERIC:  Bend over and see what happens!

DAD:  Don’t ever say that outside of this house.

Alexa, play “Let the Doggies Out.”

NANNY:  How is the cleaning up going?

ERIC:  Not good because I’m not cleaning up.

I wanna watch another piece of show.

I stand firmly where I originally stood.

I want to toss the baby in the woods.

Just mustard!

Get your fork out of your toes.

Was that the end of your idea?

You smell like meatball treats.

Why did I buy just one loaf of bread? That’s like buying a single strawberry. The days of this family needing a single loaf of bread are over.

He waked up one eye!

DAD:  Hurry up, Eric.

ERIC:  I’m hurry-upping! I’m hurry-upping!

I need a band-aid and some wet cream.

Check out this!

Use your resources.

That boom-boom tree is coconutting.

Have a great journey with your sleeping friends.

No thank you, please.

Ollie-oxen free, take a chance on me…

Super duper beans are gonna find me…

Oh socks! I forgot that.

Stoy Tory

I ate an egg while you were in the bathtub.

Trick-or-Treat, on my foot, give me something good to eat.

Maybe watch widdle TB widdle bit.

Holy Tolego!

What is this?! That’s not an ice-cream scoop! That’s a scoop from somebody who’s trying to screw you over.

Salmonella candle

Goddy

No baby in my house.

I think it will be OK.

Don’t fart now – I just changed you!

DAD:  So you’re going to the city?

MOM:  Yeah, I’m going to go. And then I’ll probably get fed up. And then I’ll get Chick-fil-A. And then I’ll leave.

What did you just say of this?

One of us needs to be drunk to get through this.

Can I add some Naan to my order?

I don’t care about scrapes or bloody noses or anything. Rock’n’roll.

Wow, I didn’t see that coming.

This pirate needs a drink!

There were no good movies playing. Just “Terminators,” and “Malificent,” and… I don’t know, “The Unboinkables” or something.

You look… handsome? It’s my fault.

There is a thunderbird in my stomach.

Gumbahgah!